i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
