she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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