You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
