Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
