Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
