i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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