Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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