You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
