she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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