True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
