i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
God, I missed his penis.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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