Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
