sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm really busy with my period
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