I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I want to have your abortion
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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