Can Purell be used as lube?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
