i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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