He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
