I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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