I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
