Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
