I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
