and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
