I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Swine flu is the new snow day.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
