my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
