i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
