no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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