just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
