And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
