Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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