seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
