I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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