So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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