Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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