I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
