Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
