its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
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He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
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Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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