She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
