Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
