if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
