As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
