Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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