She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
