He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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