Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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