1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
