Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
