I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
