so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
