I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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