hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
