if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
