All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
