the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
